If Only
by Azura Rayume
Summary: Um... Yeah... I got bored last night... IF YOU LOVE TWILIGHT AS IS, DON'T READ THIS! You have been warned. Twilight Parody one-shot. Rated T because... I hate rating things below that...


The coven had gathered... sort of. Any outsider would have fled for the hills at the site of seven outwardly angered vampires approaching the edge of town at a speedy pace, dressed in black coats thet swept their boots, but there were no outsiders. Only those seven and the one they went to meet.

A sole figure stood on the crest of a hill just beyond the town gates, furred muzzle lifted to the moon that gifted him her strength, tail swishing near-silently in the stillness of the night. He stood in a fashion remenicent of his dayside form, what would have been forelegs on any normal creature he held at arms, paws at hands or feet, eyes holding an intelligent glint. It was those orbs tinted gold by the moon's light that he turned to focus on the approaching swath of black clad forms that materialized out of the glooming fog.

"Jacob!" the leader of the group called, pointed fangs catching the light as he spoke. "Jacob, my friend. Have you heard of this atrocity?" With one pale, slender hand, he reached into his trenchcoat, withdrawing a book. A humble thing, one might pause to wonder why such a thing would cause these two normally opposing forces of the supernatural to speak in such a civil manner. After all, it was so simply dressed, a black cover with pale white arms and a ruby red apple, there was no way it could have attracted such attention, could it?

The werewolf spoke with more of a growl than a voice. "No, Edward," he rumbled, the usual note of contempt lost from his voice. "Not directly. Only rumors from others." In truth, Jacob perfered to keep to himself, and, having lived alone in a cabin on the mountians since beng outcast from his original pack, was more easily accepting of those of vapiric nature. As long as they stayed out of his territory.

Edward laughed, a bell like tone that normally sent shivers down the spines of mortals. "Well, this Meyer woman seems to have given us a different light. Did you know I was in love with a human girl, or that your species imprints on the one they are to marry?"

Jacob snorted in disbelief, sinking down to all fours and shedding the last scraps of cloth that had once been a shirt and jeans. He decended the hill before rising again to stand a good foot above the vampire. "You're joking," he said with a snuffling laugh.

"Oh no!" Edward's tone was growing more sarcastic by the second. "You see, we live in some ungodly place called Forks. I meet a girl and for some reason promptly fall for her. Then she does numerous stupid things in an attempt to 'win my heart.' I, meanwhile, am apparently competing with you for her affections. Eventually, I win out and somehow father her child. Then _you_ promptly 'imprint' on the newborn." He laughed again, that devilish glint in his eye.

This time, Jacob added a gruff chuckle of his own. "You mean to tell me I bind myself to a newborn _vampire_ in much the same way a hatchling bird does to its mother?" Edward nodded, a grin still on his lips. "Perposterous! And who else of your family made it into that idiotic novel?"

"Oh, the usual: Alice, Jasper, everyone here basically." He jestured to the others who had followed, all of whom wore expressions of either mild amusement or contempt.

"Apparently I can see the future," one, a raven haired female announced, trying her best to sound proud instead of laugh at the idea.

Another, this one male, spoke up next, his voice smooth and even, "And I can control emotions."

"And I," Edward said finally in a jovial tone, "can read minds. Jacob, you're feeling quite perplexed at the moment, are you not?"

Jacob made a playful swipe at the vampire's face, chuckling all the while. "What do you think we should do with this stupid thing? I'm assuming it described us fairly well in physical aspects."

"Only if you're really some kind of Native American under all that fur."

"Wh-What?" Jacob's natually even tone broke in confusion. "Edward, you've seen me in daylight. My fur color does not reflect the shade of my skin." He seemed rather ruffled by the comment, dark copper fur standing up in a ridge down his spine.

"I know, Jacob, I know," the vampire reassured, flashing a fanged grin to the wolf. "But you are made to be part of a tribe with some inborn mutation to transform into a monsterous wolf at will. While we, on the other hand, are..." He struggled for a moment to find the right word, then setteled for the one straight from that moronic book "...Vegetarians."

At this, Jacob gave a sputtering laugh, bending over to rest his paws on his knees just to remain standing. "I believe I can live with my fate, if _that_ is the alternative."

"Should we punish this woman for giving us this unwanted persona?"

"No, no, Edward. Let her and the countless others keep living a fantasy where we are harmless, romantic creatures. At least it will keep them out of our hair for the time being."


End file.
